DEALING WITH DEATH: my journey.

The death of someone you once loved wholeheartedly can open a deep wound that may never fully heal and a void that’ll never close. You feel lost. You feel empty. It’s like you lose a sense of normality after such a tragic loss. Grief is not easy at all. Don’t feel like you must feel a certain way during this tough time because everyone experiences grief in different forms. Whatever feelings you have, allow yourself to experience them. Don’t shy away from them, otherwise you’ll find it so difficult to face your truth. Trust me, I’ve been there.

I remember, I was living with my best friend to make things easier for my parents during the time my brother was being treated. I woke up one morning and something was not sitting right with my heart. I knew I had lost him. I went to school and soon after arriving, I was called out of class. My aunt had come to take me home. I arrived home and the news was delivered to me. He was gone. I’ll never forget the deep pain I felt at the centre of my heart. I had never felt so incomplete in my life. Suddenly, my best friend, my brother, was gone. I would do anything to have his little arms wrapped around me again. For me to be able to read him his bedtime stories. I wish I could see his beautiful smile one last time.

Up until this day, the immediacy of this event is something that I don’t think I’ll fully be able to understand, especially at such a young age. The person I cared for so much, the person I had planned so much with, was gone. I didn’t know what to do. I felt so clueless. As the funeral passed and the days went on, I felt like my life was floating. I didn’t want to face reality; I didn’t want people to talk to me or ask me if I was okay. I was angry. I felt so betrayed.

I didn’t how I could continue my life after this. I sheltered and distanced myself from everyone. Then I realised that this was my reality. I couldn’t continue to hide from my life. Acceptance is the first step in understanding your new reality. It gets easier. Of course, it is important to allow yourself to grief, do not conceal your emotions. In the beginning, your mind and body almost doesn’t really know what is going on. It is okay to feel angry, confused and hurt, however, constantly feeling this way will only be a barrier to your journey of healing. While no one can take away the good memories you once shared with this person, they would want to see you flourishing and continuing with your life happily. Don’t let grief consume you, there is so much more to life that you have yet to explore.

Having experienced such a traumatic loss at such a young age has given me resilience and a strength that not many people have. It has made me more aware of the limited time we have on this earth. It is so important to cherish every moment you have with your loved ones. I also think that it is incredibly important that we teach young children about death and loss. They need to understand death and grieve as much as adults do. It was so difficult for me to wrap my head around the concept of death because somehow, I still believed there was some way to undo this. We should enable children the confidence to ask questions about their bereaved loved ones and they should receive honest answers so that the process of healing is made easier. Growing up in an Ethiopian household, as incredibly supportive my family and friends were during this time, I found it difficult to heal. We have a tradition called ‘lekso’ which is period of grief after a death where people come to your house and cry, to pay their respects. I was still so little. This just broke me even more and hindered my healing process. I felt like I would never get closure. I have been in therapy for years, and yet still, the trauma sits within me. As an adult, I now understand that they were protecting me from the pain they so deeply felt.

I usually hate feeling vulnerable and opening up about my emotions, but I think that can often be quite dangerous. I’ve always been someone that puts the needs of their loved ones before their own, which has caused me to suffer a lot of the time. I’m here to tell you that speaking about your feelings is okay and is totally normal. We shouldn’t feel like we need to hold back our feelings. It is totally okay to feel like you haven’t got it all together. We are human.

You must allow yourself to be taken on this rollercoaster they call ‘grief’. The pieces will slowly but surely fall back into place, perhaps in a slightly different arrangement. You shouldn’t feel like you need to bury your emotions and this painful experience. Rather, you should see it as a way of moving forward with your life. Whilst I have many days of tears and sadness, this experience has only made me stronger and allowed me to feel a deeper appreciation of life. My little boy who had so much to offer the world, was stripped from his chance at life. We must make most of the life we are lucky enough to see.

Loss can be confusing and is very shit, but it will get easier if you allow yourself to heal. You create your individual experience from now. Remember that you are not alone.

Hope this helps anyone that has been through something similar! Stay strong always!

Lots of love,

Yohanna x

my beautiful baby boy forever <3